1. |
Seagulls & Swans
04:35
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i have caused harm
it won't be the last time i hurt someone
i can't change the past
but in the present moment i can better act
i am more than what you see on the outside, i lie
it is not that i am not trying not to hide proof
prod and poke indecision leaves my headroom ungroomed
pick a spot to untangle in my mind the knots
distant echoes of yesterday's waves sud and splash
as i scrub and scrub the stained pains
in the old kitchen we once shared, her recipes
i borrowed, while she would prance unaware around the isle
still got them
mornings a seagulls soars back and forth around my headspace
my noon i sight a swan on the pond's horizon and by moonlight she's perdu
landlocked, beneath the seat there's a leak in my canoe
i don't know what to do
for months i've survived in hinterland
the port is broken, ze cook relinquished
can't keep this pace of consumption
but i dally, stall, and wait
tomorrow will be the day
henceforth i'm averting my eyes forward
but each week tomorrow stumbles ever closer
to my periphery, am i just forgetting
the urn of yesterday's ashes as all the feathers
gruesomely burned
is this about drifting friends from high school
is this about those you were close to
is this about someone you once knew
is this an idea you've constructed out of thin air
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2. |
Drifting Canoes
04:42
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looking your way
you've always been there, friend
looking your way when you're always turning away
what would i see
if you weren't so far from view
from here i can't see without what the binoculars skew
we look at the same sky
me the day, you at night
keeps me pondering why
you walk the walk that you do
every footstep construed
into my stupid stories
like would they get along
he'd arrive and she'd not
give him even a thought
would cause if he didn't hide
separation of tides
drown the thought, let it die
sailing away, the current as my guide
horizons fade like the past
behind me as i arrive on your shores
if there are others you've invited indoors
oh no, i don't mind the slighest
strangers, close friends, we all have our guests
looking my way, i'm hoping that you might
unlatch the cage that's kept shut every night
before you are a sleep, a contraption held together so fragily
what is the first thought in your head
that creeps out in early morning
does it haunt you
shipwrecked in the back of your head
oh does it follow you all day
now look in my eyes
and i'll tell you something, friend
but i won't look in your eyes
and say what i've always wanted to say
because i'm still afraid
(of what you'd say)
of what would happen
if we're not ready
that we should save it
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3. |
Can't Sleep
02:57
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ghastly thoughts float above my mind at night i can't sleep
awake, afraid, embarrassed, ashamed
i can't sleep
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4. |
Undo
03:44
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i don't know why
the result of a chaotic universe
or of my decadence
let go
regret
half a decade of spinning
is less than a decade
so let's let slow the gravitational pull
let go
regret
and i don't know what to do to undo
if there was a dream
now it is dead
i wish i was
sleeping with it
wake up with new hope
mine has all but shriveled
i'm a waste of your time
i'm a waste of your life
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5. |
Fever
05:37
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darling, dearest of friends
you're all i've wanted
i get so carried away
thinking about you everyday
i long to reclaim control
the motion my thoughts tend to flow
but once, once, i promise just once
let's give into indulgence
don't you crave something new
a cure for a bad attitude
at the pinnacle of platitudes
a pinch ever so minuscule
will make plain the nuisances
that obstruct one's clairvoyance
but no, no, you know just say no
to forgo the insufferable
feel good, beam out upon the world down below us the candescence from our love
that taste, meow, feline postures how ever could your eyes go on forever
threadbare cocoon awaiting spring's bloom, your mood lift turns worms to butterflies
each moment's impeccable, a perfect circle, incalculable a starting point or end
grinding teeth, giddy angst, your urges to moderate are starting to irritate
then boat tips, nauseous, heart beat full speed
storm clouds, itch fits, mouth foul, i need another sniff
then pow i'm back up again
a mere fit of indiscretion
let's dance to the sunset with glee
then kiss and get all cuddly
what's real, what is a dream
i float above such inquiry
i want your heart and your soul
your body and your mind in full
i feel it
sedated boredom to get me through the morning of anguish, envy, and contempt
can't trust my gut until i catch up with my main girl serotonin
pleasure's perversity lies in its propensity to demand an exorbitant position in a life
each moment's irrelevant, i couldn't care less outside me if the world came to an end
i'm a creep filled with hate, exhausted from the crucible that's life each day
teething, not quenched, fix me, fuck them
i said stay, go away, i can't stand anything
stormbound, run out, come down
with a fever
sinking, entrenched, stagnant sewage
floating, nose bleed, sloshing in my head
stormbound, run out, come down
with a fever
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6. |
Tomorrow Fears
05:12
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procrastinate what impends fans and fuels my gut wrench
a mind can think but if thought's all that's been done, has anything been done
scrub the floors, don't miss a spot, still i am not what i'm not
i stand here, bare, imperfect, part of the problem, complacent
scrolling fastly through the vast unseeable sea of activity
eyes burn, absorb the ether, and through the radiation we exist to each other
strayed so far from simplicity, needing validation constantly
what are the values i'm forgetting
infection on an open sore, reluctant to pursue the source
feeding on what i've ignored
across the globe from sea to sea
intersectional tragedies converge under externality
horizon's brink, that gloomy day, the consequence of a bandaged leg
yesterday the urgency to amputate
is their guilt within holding on tight to the notion that it's far too late
tomorrow i fear for the offspring
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7. |
Enough
03:03
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playing carelessly with your heart strings
i plucked and played night and day until they finally broke
and it baffles me to replace a string on such a fragile thing
twisted i tried, but unwound each time
messy oh my hands have made a mess
of the sticky grime, broken fine glass into your boney wrists
our inseparability confused me on who's limb it was
my hopeless antics, selfish, frantic
you were waiting there, i was never there for you
when you needed to lean
you were waiting there, agony, despair when i turned away
you were waiting there an ocean of trees that you
hid under your rock
you were waiting there, you would always be there for me
until the cracks ran down
the rock and waves gushed out
you couldn't hide it was too much
in due time you had enough
until enough is enough
but what if the rules have changed
would this have all be in vain
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8. |
Out Of
02:59
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plagued with indecision
live in the now or the future
am i afraid to grow
afraid i won't
afraid i can't
afraid i got the message but i'll choke
should have formulated it better before i spoke
afraid of being alone
or afraid of the question what if if i don't
i've got a great girl
parents who i love
a space to create
a community where i belong
so why do i have to go and fuck it up
chasing a faded dream that always seems the same distance away from me
i've been beguiled by something
wholly enamored by someone but
it is just an idea
a projection of feelings
onto the pursuit
of something unreal
you are more than a face
more than notes that you play
if you let me inside
would i change my mind
immaculate dreams
you and me on the beach
our home town, the palm trees
it's just an idea
you're just an idea
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9. |
Epilogue
03:05
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today i wonder where you are
are you safe, arteries and heart
do you smile, do you smile, do you smile
are you okay, are you okay, are you fine
out of sight
out of mind
out of my
out of sight
out of mind
out of mine
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